Two for the Road

What comes to mind when you think of Florida? Disney World? Freshly squeezed orange juice by the beach? Palm trees bordering the highways? Maybe. These all pale in comparison to Florida Man.

You may not know him. If this is the case, well, I’m sorry to say this is an indictment as to how up-to-date you are with what’s going on in the world. Haven’t you seen the headlines?

Resurrected after being killed by his pet cassowaries, his adventures include feeding alligators bagels, sneaking into Taylor Swift concerts by impersonating a security guard, karate kicking swans in the head, and attempting to have charges against him dropped by pretending to be a prosecutor.

Think of him as the world’s worst superhero, his power being a striking metaphor for how, *ahem*, interesting Floridians can be. While he may not make the roster for Avengers: Doomsday, he has made his presence known to us since we arrived in Florida. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll list Florida Man’s antics we’ve personally witnessed here –

• Proudly displaying banners saying ‘ICE IS NICE’, ‘DIMMOKRATS RUINED AMERICA’, and ‘TRUMP 2028’ on his house on the boardwalk of St Augustine, whose economy is predominately based on tourism. We’re sure the Hilton two doors down is happy about it.
• Driving alongside our car and deciding, for funsies, to change lanes and almost collide with us if it wasn’t for me steering away and beeping the horn.¹
• In line at a gas station, getting audibly annoyed at the time an older gentleman was taking at the counter, only to spend five minutes himself umming and ahhing about what vape he wanted.
• Walking into the diner in which we were having breakfast at 10am holding a crisp bottle of Miller Lite, undoubtedly ordering some food to take home to his pet alligators.

But let’s leave Florida Man to it while we pick up where we left off, back in our beautiful ranch in Blue Ridge, Georgia.

A highlight of our penultimate evening was seeing a Barred Owl swoop to a tree near to our balcony. He kept quiet, but it was amazing to see such an excellent specimen in the wild. We saw his head turn a full 360 and we eagerly awaited to see if he’d glide down for his first evening meal. No stoats or chipmunks emerged for his delectation, sadly,² but it was still brilliant to see.

Iris and I had an eight-hour drive the following day, so early to bed and early to rise it was. Blearily-eyed, we made our way to the balcony once again to see a most magnificent sunrise. The sun’s creeping tinges made the ridges of the mountains a resplendent blue,³ and the dawn chorus was something to behold, cardinals, woodpeckers, and chickadees chirping away. Harvest time if, like me, you use the Merlyn app. There’s nothing quite like a morning coffee and the addition of a Carolina Chickadee to your Life list.⁴

It was then, sadly, time to bid farewell to Gwyn and Meg, with whom it had been an absolute delight to spend our time in Chattanooga and Blue Ridge. ¡Nos vemos pronto en Valencia!

Our drive to St Augustine took us through Atlanta. While we didn’t have time to stop there, we were struck by how bloody massive the city was. Skyscrapers filled the skyline for miles as we trundled through the city centre, and the traffic waiting to come into the city was mad. Potentially a city to revisit if we come back, methinks.

For lunch we decided to stop in a Whataburger, a chain that runs through the south US. After a delay in getting our burgers out to us, they were finally delivered to us, and I’m sure I speak for both of us when we say they were, after the wait, perfectly okay and average. I ordered a small Diet Coke and received a cup big enough to drown a small child, so that was something.

Our bellies full of average burger, we drove for several more hours before arriving at the Florida border. It was not long after that the landscape became more recognisably Floridian – palm trees aplenty, licence plates showing surfers shadowed in the setting sun, small lakes next to highway exits that have fountains in them for no ostensible reason. It’s quintessential Florida.

St Augustine, where we spent two nights, boasts to be the oldest city in the USA, having been founded in the sixteenth century⁵ as a Spanish settlement, and its colonial architecture is still standing. It felt more akin to the towns we’ve visited in South America than other places in the USA. It had a beautiful boardwalk that we walked and ran down in the early morning sun.

Our day in the town kicked off with a delightful breakfast at our B&B, which was held in a very cute dining room. We then set off for a walk across the bridge to Anastacia Island. This is where the first Spanish colony was established back in the day, and is home to a beautiful lighthouse overlooking the sea. We were lucky to see storks flying to and from a tree building their nests! Neither of us had ever seen birds of that size in trees. It’s not like herons regularly hang out in shrubs, after all.

The owner of a general store in Blue Ridge (who had a beard to rival mine) recommended a Spanish restaurant in town called Columbia, and in particular its 1905 salad. We ensured to head there to sample this legendary dish alongside a Cuban sandwich, and it definitely did not disappoint. Thank you, Blue Ridge Salad Man!

We set out to Key Largo the following day, a breezy six-hour drive compared to the previous drive’s eight. As we approached Miami, we had our aforementioned near-accident with Florida Man, and saw just how insane Miami drivers can be. People were darting in and out of their lanes like they were playing ‘The Right Lane is Lava’, and we almost saw a couple of accidents. But do any Floridians beep each other, or show other signs of annoyance? No! If Mad Max had been set in Florida it would have been a documentary rather than a work of fiction.

And now you join us in Key Largo, which is bright, beautiful, and sunny today. I emphasise today as it was grey and chucking it down when we got here yesterday, but it’s thankfully made up for it. It naturally feels much more tropical and Caribbean down this way, and the shorelines and water sparkle.

We enjoyed dinner in a nearby Italian restaurant which apparently had been visited by none other than the mayor of Flavortown, Guy Fieri, in an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. I had the lobster mac and cheese featured on the episode and it didn’t disappoint, and the portion was huge, so it’s been a lovely lunch today as well. Iris sampled the lobster ravioli. Delicious also, but the ravioli were massive. A dried one of those could probably have done serious damage if dropped from a height.

We’re having a chilled day today before heading to Key West tomorrow. This area is famous for its bird life and the wile manatees living in its waters, so we’ll try to see some along the way. Then we’re at Key West for a couple of nights before heading to Miami, where we hop onto a cruise ship and sail back to Europe. Think of it like the Titanic, but going the opposite way and hopefully without anywhere near as much sinking and death.

Matt

1. We saw the same vehicle crashed about 10-20 miles further down the road. Florida Man’s art is not subtlety. ↩︎
2. Not for said stoats or chipmunks ↩︎
3. If thinks ‘No shit, Sherlock’ even for a second then I’ll come and slap you. ↩︎
4. Yes, I am approaching my mid thirties. How could you tell? For those not in the know, Merlyn’s a free app you can use that can identify birds through photos and records of their songs. Think of it like a real life Pokémon Go. ↩︎
5. The pedant in me could drone on about this being inconspicuous, given that it was originally a Spanish colony and Florida didn’t become a state until 1845, but I won’t do that. ↩︎